World Wrestling Entertainment – Armageddon 2004 – 12th December 2004
The Smackdown brand are charged with rounding off 2004’s pay-per-view cycle, and will be hoping to step up from the real funk they’ve been in as of late. Judgment Day, Great American Bash and No Mercy were all really bad shows – and No Way Out wasn’t great either but gets remembered somewhat more fondly due to Guerrero/Lesnar. The line-up, with the likes of Kenzo Suzuki, the Bashams, Hardcore Bob, Aaron Aguilera, Dawn Marie, Jackie Gayda, Luther Reigns, Big Show, Funaki, a very green Miz and Santa Claus all in wrestling suggests this probably won’t be the event they break that streak with though. At least the main event is interesting, with JBL forced to defend his WWE Championship against all three guys he’s cheated out of it in 2004 (Guerrero, Undertaker and Booker) without his ‘Cabinet’ at ringside. Babyface revenge is something of the theme for this event. John Cena defends the US Title against Jesus (Aguilera, not Christ) looking for payback for a nightclub stabbing, whilst Big Show gets Kurt Angle, Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak all at once to settle that score. The rest of the card is just utter dross. I really cannot believe the WWE drew much money with this show at all. Michael Cole and Tazz are in Duluth, GA – probably dreading sitting through the ppv as much as I am…
Rob Van Dam/Rey Mysterio vs Rene Dupree/Kenzo Suzuki – WWE Tag Title Match
Remember how great the match between these guys was at No Mercy? No, I don’t either, but somehow the issue between the teams has continued all the way to this ppv. RVD and Rey had captured the Tag Titles by this point, so are now giving the former champs a rematch.
Why the hell are they still making Dupree bring out that poodle every week? Suzuki starts – and eats the double leg drop combo from RVD and Rey which has apparently been dubbed the ‘420’. How did that get past Vince? The Japanese star has to recover quickly to stop Mysterio giving his partner the 619…so Van Dam flying kicks him into a SUNSET FLIP BOMB TO THE FLOOR! GUARDRAIL GUILLOTINE leg drop from RVD to Dupree! Clearly the champions have been working on their double teams; next Mr PPV catapults Rene into the springboard seated senton from Mysterio for 2. Suzuki adopts the sensible strategy of trying to overpower and ground his high-flying opponents, which even Tazz has to solute as outstanding ringmanship. His wife Hiroko helps out by distracting the ref as he and Dupree hit a double guillotine neckbreaker off the ropes to spectacularly wipe Rey out. Torrie Wilson sprints down the aisle to chase Hiroko away – since apparently a) they were feuding and b) Torrie still works there. The challengers trap the smaller man in their half of the ring; grounding him repeatedly with chinlocks, bearhugs and other holds designed to sap his strength and negate his aerial abilities. The aggressive intent in their work is really embodied with Dupree’s modification of the French Tickler – usually a comedy move – to hit a sick diving headbutt. Van Dam gets a much-needed tag and explodes back into the match with the split-legged moonsault, before joining Mysterio for a Rolling Thunder/slingshot leg drop combo! Dupree amusingly botches a sunset flip spot by not ducking, meaning he essentially gets RVD’s entire bodyweight smashing into his face. It looked brutal, albeit weird as hell! They re-run the spot seconds later, and it’s a set up for Mysterio to land the 619. FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH! The champs retain at 17:51
Rating - *** - Kudos to whomever made the decision to let these guys get plenty of time. One can’t pretend that Suzuki and Dupree weren’t limited in their offence (they were), or that Van Dam in particular wasn’t a bit sloppy (he normally is) but as a package this match was very effective at covering up the weaknesses of the four competitors and emphasising the positives. RVD and Rey had added some wonderful double team combo moves to their arsenal by this point, and whilst not always executed perfectly, they were ambitious and added some really spectacular moments to what could have been a filler undercard match. Likewise, Kenzo Suzuki looked perhaps as good as he ever did in a WWE ring by letting the high-flyers get their sh*t in then tearing them down and ripping them a new one on the mat with his raw, rugged power. This was a surprisingly strong start to the show.
Kurt Angle brings his Olympic Gold Medal to the ring to issue an open challenge…to Santa Claus. The highlight of the segment is Kurt calling Tazz an elf. He makes Santa tap out, presumably to make fun of anyone stupid enough to have ordered this pay-per-view.
Teddy Long is up next to introduce the finals of Tough Enough. Either he didn’t get a script, or his only direction was ‘stall’ since he talks absolute crap for what seems like an eternity.
Mike Mizanin vs Daniel Puder – Dixie Dog Fight
This is the finals of the 2004 Tough Enough competition – dubbed the ‘$1,000,000 Tough Enough’ since the winner got a four year, million dollar contract. Judging this as a talent show this is actually a tough call – since Mizanin had bags of charisma and was already sewing the seeds of his ‘The Miz’ character during the contest, whilst Puder was as wooden as they come but had an amazing look and such impressive legitimate shoot fighting skill that he came close to breaking Kurt Angle’s arm during a Smackdown TV taping. Both have something to offer the WWE, although they’ll be able to showcase very little of it in this hokey, gimmicked boxing match to conclude the contest.
Roping in a load of legitimate boxing personalities doesn’t make this any less of a foolish endeavour. Miz flails away like a crazy man, and lands a few blows – probably more through luck that skill. Puder, for his part, seems to be trying to take this seriously and picks holes in Mike’s idiotic offence to really rock him with some big punches. At the start of Round 2 Miz looks totally exhausted which means Puder enjoys greater success picking him off with more big shots. The fans are booing because this is awful to watch and has no business on a wrestling pay-per-view. Someone send in Butterbean to KO both of them! Round 3 begins with Mizanin hanging onto Puder just so he can stay on his feet. Both men stall to make it to the end – meaning this one has gone the distance. Teddy Long refers it to the fans vote, and Puder is awarded the victory and would take the contract the following week…
Rating - DUD - Confession time: I thought Puder was awesome. He looked great, his legitimate fighting skills made him a fearsome competitor and I felt like he’d have been a huge star if they’d have persisted with him. Sadly for him he didn’t transition to pro-wrestling as effortlessly as the likes of Kurt Angle, and was on such a huge contract that WWE cut him within the first year of his deal. Aside from a couple of brief stints with Ring Of Honor and New Japan that was it for his pro-wrestling career, which is a shame. His 2004 Tough Enough contemporaries Mike Mizanin (The Miz) and Ryan Reeves (Ryback) would go on to become far bigger stars than he did. As far as this 'match' goes, it was of course utterly terrible. There was no memorable Butterbean KO to Bart Gunn here – it was just two helpless young kids chucked out into an impossible situation, belting each other around the head to amuse Vince McMahon and Ryan Dunn. I hope they enjoyed themselves…because quite literally nobody else did.
Al Snow continues the torture for these kids by shoving a microphone in their face. Both men are exhausted, The Miz has had his skull rattled and talks nonsense…Puder complains that he is an ultimate fighter not a boxer.
Eddie Guerrero and Booker T are in the locker rooms discussing the main event. They try to focus on the WWE Title and not their hatred for JBL. They settle on a plan to team up on Undertaker and Layfield…not knowing that Taker is standing right behind them.
Basham Bros. vs Hardcore Holly/Charlie Haas
The Bashams are back on television and now positioned as heavies in Bradshaw’s ‘Cabinet’. That transition has involved them getting even more ridiculous entrance music than when they were Shaniqua’s sex gimps for whatever reason. On the other side of the ring Haas now appears to have ditched Rico as a partner and now has Sparky Plugg instead. In an era where Rene and Kenzo teamed for no reason and Van Dam and Mysterio got chucked together because they had nothing better to do, it actually almost makes sense for two no-nonsense, humourless asskickers like Holly and Haas to join forces.
Haas doesn’t appear to be in a good mood, and also appears to legitimate punch Danny Basham right in the face before the bell even rings. It takes both Bashams to isolate Charlie, and Michael Cole spots that they are targeting his head just days after he suffered a concussion on Smackdown. Haas spends several minutes on the defensive before delivering an exploder suplex to Doug and making the hot tag. Tough Enough Bob trundles in to deliver all the usual average, uninteresting spots he hits with his usual average, uninteresting style…then can’t even be bothered to put both his shoulders on the mat and put his opponents over as Danny snatches a small package to beat him at 06:50. Haas didn’t make the save because he was stuck outside the ring trying to separate Dawn Marie and Jackie Gayda…
Rating - * - As with most of the show so far, the only reason this one was booked was to kill time on the pay-per-view. The Bashams were relatively fresh back to TV so getting a win was important, and to be fair my favourite part of the match was them trying to attack the recently-concussed head of one of their opponents. That kind of thing would never make it onto TV nowadays!
John Cena vs Jesus – WWE United States Title Street Fight
Carlito made quite an impact upon debuting in the WWE, most prominently by taking John Cena’s US Title. Their feud quickly became so personal that Carlito’s bodyguard Jesus (Aaron Aguilera) stabbed him in a nightclub. Cena returned at Survivor Series and chased them out of the arena, before taking back his belt on Smackdown and putting Carlito on the injured list. Cena has Aguilera in his sights next. Jesus attacked Cena’s damaged kidney on the Smackdown broadcast before this ppv; punching it with the chain they’ve stolen from the champ. Will that become a factor tonight?
This appears to be the debut of the ‘spinner’ US Title belt. Carlito wastes no time in passing a kendo stick to Jesus, who swings it into Cena’s kidney. That obviously hurts him, but he snatches it from Jesus and whacks him back with the stick so many times that it actually shatters. Jesus is bleeding and tries to retreat into the crowd – with the champion in hot pursuit. They brawl way back into the cheap seats, where only Carlito stands between his bodyguard and a huge fall off a balcony. This is so one-sided that Cena is able to fight both Carlito and Jesus at the same time, without breaking a sweat. Back in the ring we go 24/7 Hardcore Title style as Cena flogs his hapless foe with trash can lids and road signs…before hitting the F-U to retain at 07:52
Rating - * - This would have been perfectly acceptable viewing for a Smackdown broadcast, but felt totally out of place on a pay-per-view. I know this angle was handicapped by Carlito getting injured, but it was basically a lame duck the moment they did the ridiculous stabbing plot twist anyway. This was the in-ring equivalent of a ‘mercy kill’ on this storyline. WrestleMania season is fast approaching and the WWE had bigger plans for Cena than working Carlito and Aguilera any longer…
Cena gets his chain back, and uses it to KO Carlito Cool just for kicks.
Dawn Marie vs Jackie Gayda
Charlie Haas is the guest referee here, and that is fitting since he is the focal point of this entire rivalry. He is engaged to Jackie, but their entire engagement thus far has been dogged by Dawn Marie perpetuating the rumour that she and Haas are having an affair. This match is to finally settle the score between the two love rivals.
Slaps are thrown of course, although Jackie appears to have been training with her fiancé as she throws some impressive knee strikes into the mix. It breaks down into a more competent boxing match than Puder/Miz, they do the obligatory cat fight roll over the ref spot…then Dawn grabs the tights to win at 01:42 – thus causing further dissension in the Haas/Jackie relationship since Haas didn’t see her cheat.
Rating - DUD - You can never accuse Dawn Marie of not being enthusiastic in the ring. She was game for anything in ECW, and she brought that attitude to the WWE as well. It’s seen her keep her job for a long time, but unfortunately it also means she has found herself in countless embarrassing angles like this. At least she and Jackie weren’t being made to compete in bras and panties I suppose.
Charlie Haas gets on the microphone and admits that he is having an affair with Dawn…then breaks off the engagement. Finally he calls Dawn a slut and breaks it off with her too.,,
Big Show is walking the corridors ahead of his match. A random Diva Search contestant makes out with him because fame means more to her than dignity. (It was Joy Giovanni apparently).
Kurt Angle/Mark Jindrak/Luther Reigns vs Big Show
WWE were really working hard to protect Angle’s ailing body at this point. The ‘Angle Invitational’ skits meant he got plenty of TV time with minimal in-ring contact, and having Jindrak and Reigns alongside him ensured he didn’t have to do too much heavy lifting either. The three of them have made Big Show’s life miserable for months – and will view this as an opportunity to put him out of action permanently. Show is, of course, a giant though…and may well see this as his chance to destroy all three of his enemies at the same time.
Jindrak starts for Team Angle 2004 and has apparently confused this with a bodybuilding contest. He rightly gets manhandled then tossed back into their corner. Luther’s luck is just as bad, whilst Kurt gets smashed off the apron for being too much of a chicken to get in there with Show. Angle remains on the outside, yet remains a vocal captain of his team and coordinates a sustained 2-on-1 attack by Reigns and Jindrak on the giant. Only once Big Show is on the deck does Angle tag in, with the aim of keeping him on the mat with a ferocious front facelock. He and Jindrak continue to pick Show apart with Luther popping in to assist them as and when they need some more muscle. Eventually Big Show lands the Alley-Oop on Mark…but gets up into a flurry of punches from his other two opponents. ANGLE SLAM! Ankle Lock blocked! F-5 ON JINDRAK! Show wins at 09:55
Rating - * - If Jindrak and Reigns had any credibility to lose, this would have been seriously damaging for them. The match itself wasn’t as completely unwatchable as I’d expected, largely because I really appreciated the logical approach to a 3-on-1 handicap match against a giant dude employed by Team Angle. Kurt was the brains and wrestling skill, and hid behind his two powerful protégés who were far more equipped to muscle the big man around the ring than he was. It seems a ridiculous decision to put Big Show over, even in professional wrestling where you’d like the babyface to get a popular win now and again. I don’t see what value there is in having him convincingly and cleanly beat a supposed up and coming star like Mark Jindrak.
Backstage Funaki goofs around interviewing himself. Spike Dudley makes fun of him…so he steals the show by delivering an incredible pun and marching off to the ring to become the ‘#1 Cruiserweight Champion’.
Spike Dudley vs Funaki – WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
I’ve actually enjoyed Spike’s matches on the most recent pay-per-view events. I hadn’t seen much of his Cruiserweight Title reign at all, and it has been quite refreshing watching him get to work actual matches. His grounded, grizzled brawler style has made a natural contrast to some of the more spectacular members of the Cruiserweight division. He has dominated the division for sometime, but may be getting a little cocky – as we just saw. He just belittled Funaki live on camera and obviously believes that Smackdown’s #1 Announcer has no chance of beating him here.
Apparently in his eight year WWE career to this point, the only gold Funaki has won is the Hardcore Title a few times during the 24/7 era. That probably explains why he starts the match pinning Dudley over and over again looking for a quick win. For several minutes everything Spike tries fails as a pumped up challenger completely dominates. He gets too confident going for a knock-out strike, and finds himself countered into a gourdbuster TO THE FLOOR! That creates an injury to Funaki’s ribs that Dudley is quick to exploit. A slew of abdominal stretches and gutbusters follow, breaking down Funaki’s challenge and also setting him up for the Acid Drop. Annoyingly Funaki can’t be assed to sell even a little bit – and cements his comeback with a flying crossbody block as if nothing happened. Acid Drop countered to an ugly roll-up…and Funaki wins the belt at 09:30
Rating - ** - To his credit, once again Spike worked an extremely solid match here. Funaki has never been very good though, and his refusal to sell any of Spike’s good work had a hugely negative impact on what they were looking to accomplish. The live crowd got bored quickly, and one can’t help but feel like Funaki has to shoulder a decent proportion of the blame for that since he offered nothing for them to get behind as a babyface.
The Cabinet all wish Layfield luck in the main event, and all tell him he’s going to win…in a way which reveals they are all convinced he is going to get murdered. It is one of the best parts of the ppv
John Bradshaw Layfield vs Eddie Guerrero vs Booker T vs Undertaker – WWE Title Match
JBL has reigned supreme on Smackdown throughout the second half of 2004. His remarkable ascent from APA tough-guy to suit-wearing, limousine-riding, business-savvy WWE Champion was undeniably impressive…but the fact remains that he has needed multiple counts of chicanery to get the better of the three former World Champions standing across the ring from him. The way he took the WWE Title from Guerrero at Great American Bash was controversial, he needed Heidenreich and plenty of luck to survive the Undertaker over the summer, and more recently it took plenty of assistance from Orlando Jordan to get past Booker as well. Tonight his entire Cabinet (Jordan and the Bashams I believe) are banned from ringside. If they appear or interfere Layfield will be forced to forfeit the belt. He has spent the year screwing over some of the biggest names in the sport – so is Armageddon the night when Bradshaw finally has to pay the price?
Bradshaw rolls straight to the floor leaving the other three to fight…and since Taker is still pissed off at Eddie and Booker for their scheming earlier in the night he doesn’t mind at all. Guerrero and Book are able to turn the tables on the Phenom the moment he tries to pin JBL though. Those two continue to team up; repeatedly knocking Undertaker out of the ring to give them time and space to work over the champion. Undertaker succeeds in luring the other three to the floor after a few minutes…and obliterates JBL with a back drop on the concrete. It means that the Taker/Booker/Eddie battles can continue – this time with Undertaker beating both of his opponents up at the same time. He has so much success with that he has completely taken his eye off of Layfield…who saunters around the ring for a CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL ON THE FLOOR! Bradshaw tries to choke out Booker with a reel of tape, but Book rallies to superkick Taker OVER THE TOP ROPE then land the Axe Kick on Eddie for a hot nearfall. NECK DROP POWERBOMB ONTO THE ANNOUNCE TABLE from JBL to Booker! That looked disgusting, and just in case Booker wasn’t crippled by that Bradshaw dives at him to elbow him through the table to boot. Undertaker likes that idea…so grabs Layfield for a LAST RIDE THROUGH THE SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE! Amidst all that mayhem Taker didn’t see Eddie lie himself down in the middle of the ring pretending to be unconscious. It’s a trap…but it fails and sees Latino Heat planted with a Chokeslam! Guerrero uses the title belt to block the Last Ride. ROLLING FROG SPLASHES NAILED! TAKER KICKS OUT! Guerrero brings a ladder into the ring…FROG SPLASH OFF THE LADDER! Only for Layfield to pull the ref out of the ring before he can count the pin. Three Amigos on JBL! Taker is back – and takes everyone out with Chokeslams. He sets up the Tombstone on JBL, but Heidenreich runs in and assaults him. CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL on Booker T! Against all the odds JBL retains at 25:35!
Rating - **** - Am I in a minority that had loads of fun watching this? I didn’t have very high hopes at all, and certainly didn’t expect them to cram in 25-minutes of action which would keep me guessing to the very final bell. The last ten minutes, with all four dropping bombs at every turn, was relentlessly enjoyable. Sometimes the opening period in these multi-man main event matches can be a little tedious – however, at all times here we saw a genuine attempt to progress the match being made by one of the competitors. From Layfield running away to escape with his life, to Booker and Eddie teaming up to take out Undertaker, to Taker himself dominating the field. Whether it was JBL being a chickensh*t heel, Eddie scheming, Undertaker’s overwhelming presence or Booker’s gritty determination – whomever was in the ring it felt urgent, aggressive, intense…and like they were legitimately trying to win a championship rather than stall for time. Heidenreich’s run in was a little lame, and I’d actually have preferred a clean finish – since I think it would’ve made a far better swerve/story if JBL, with everyone (including himself) utterly convinced he was losing tonight, somehow getting his first legitimate, clean ppv main event victory since getting the belt. But on another awful Smackdown ppv they worked their damndest to salvage something…
Tape Rating - * - Up until the main event this was nothing more than a bad episode of Smackdown that WWE was asking the fans to pay for the privilege of seeing. RVD/Rey vs Dupree/Suzuki wasn’t bad, but everything else was just awful to sit through. Tough Enough, Funaki, 3-on-1 handicap matches, the Basham Brothers, Jesus, Santa squash matches, Hardcore Holly, Dawn Marie, Jackie Gayda etc – honestly ask yourself whether any of those really deserved to be occupying spots on a PPV event? The WWE Championship main event was enjoyable, but this was still an appalling show. Moving into 2005 the WWE really need to do something to shake up the talent rosters – particularly to rejuvenate the Smackdown brand. I won’t pretend that the Raw brand were knocking it out of the park in 2004 (far from it…and you can’t talk about most of their ppv’s anymore anyway since Benoit was World Champion for most of them) but aside from a few masterful performances from Eddie Guerrero every one of Smackdown’s single-brand ppv’s for the year were really poor. WWE Network viewers, check out the main event. You can comfortably skip the first two hours of the show and miss nothing. Unless you’re a HUGE Miz fan…
Top 3 Matches
3) Spike Dudley vs Funaki (**)
2) Rob Van Dam/Rey Mysterio vs Rene Dupree/Kenzo Suzuki (***)
1) John Bradshaw Layfield vs Booker T vs Eddie Guerrero vs Undertaker (****)
Top 10 WWE 2004 PPV Matches
10) Eddie Guerrero vs Kurt Angle (**** - WrestleMania 20)
9) Chris Benoit vs Randy Orton (**** - Summerslam)
8) Rey Mysterio vs Chavo Guerrero (**** - Great American Bash)
7) Eddie Guerrero vs John Bradshaw Layfield (**** - Judgment Day)
6) Triple H vs Shawn Michaels (**** - Royal Rumble)
5) Chris Benoit vs Triple H vs Shawn Michaels (**** - Backlash)
4) Brock Lesnar vs Eddie Guerrero (****1/2 - No Way Out)
3) Royal Rumble Match (****1/2 - Royal Rumble)
2) Randy Orton vs Cactus Jack (****1/2 - Backlash)
1) Triple H vs Shawn Michaels vs Chris Benoit (****1/2 - WrestleMania 20)