World Wrestling Entertainment – Royal Rumble 2004 – 25th January 2004
After a brief hiatus, I’m picking up my retro WWE reviews with this one, my first show after signing up to the WWE Network. It’s probably not the best time to pick up since the first half of 2004 was spent pushing Chris Benoit to the moon. I’m not sure what to expect – both in terms of how heavily the WWE Network broadcasts will be edited, and how I personally will feel watching a performer I both admire and feel completely sickened by promoted so heavily. Therefore it’s with some hesitance and trepidation that I prepare for one of Benoit’s career highlights – the 2004 Royal Rumble. Sadly there isn’t even much of an undercard to distract from the rampant Rabid Wolverine in the main event. Bob Holly, of all people, challenges Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title in a match nobody wanted to see, Shawn Michaels challenges HHH for the World Title in a match we’ve already seen multiple times…and promising matches like Mysterio/Noble and Eddie/Chavo get dusted over like mere afterthoughts. Lets get to Philadelphia, PA to join Michael Cole, Tazz, Jerry Lawler, Jonathan Coachman and Jim Ross.
Batista/Ric Flair vs Dudley Boyz – World Tag Title Table Match
Last month at Armageddon it seemed like the Dudleyz had survived a gruelling Tag Team Turmoil bout to once again be crowned World Tag Champions…before being cruelly thwarted by Evolution. Batista, frustrated after losing to Shawn Michaels earlier in the show, had been placated by a cunning plan by the Nature Boy – who got them into the match as last minute, unannounced and impromptu guests. All four members of Evolution went home wearing gold that night. Will the influential group be able to maintain their grasp on Raw’s belts here tonight?
Coach is only on commentary because he’s bitter about being put through a table by the Dudleyz. His presence is almost as unbearable as Batista’s horrible cheap-heat promo during his way to the ring. Poor elderly Flair takes an insane unprotected bump on the floor…and amazingly has so much left in the tank that within a minute he is dishing out some fiercely stiff chops to Bubba Ray. 3-D II drops Batista (who has been useless thus far) leaving Naitch to continue carrying the entire match almost by single-handedly. He gets decent hangtime on the usual top rope press slam spot…then gets saved from a 3-D through a table by Coach. Batista pounces to spinebuster D-Von through a table. We’re pressed for time so it’s single elimination only. Evolution retain at 04:17
Rating - * - Why book a gimmick/grudge match if you have no intention of giving them enough time to do anything decent with it? I actually struggle to see what the casual fan would have enjoyed about this one. There were no real moments of drama, only one table bump and surprisingly little action considering how short the match was. The star I did award was almost solely for Flair, who worked immensely hard to get this over. Although the match was insignificant I’d argue that this was among his best individual performances since returning to the WWE in 2001. He moved with amazing speed, took bumps a man of his age had no right to be taking and hit damn hard – it was like watching Flair in his prime. Which makes it all the more of a shame that everything around him sucked…
John Cena is interviewed by Josh Matthews, who looks ridiculous. Cena busts out a special freestyle for the occasion, despite a comical intervention from Rob Van Dam who tries to steal his punchline.
Rey Mysterio vs Jamie Noble – WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
I seem to remember this was around the time that WWE was teasing us with the Cruiserweight division. They had some killer junior heavyweights on the roster, but every time you thought they were getting serious about them they’d jerk the rug out from under them. Noble had drifted around for a while and wasn’t getting anywhere near as much exposure as he was getting a year or so ago – but still makes the perfect grounded base for the dazzlingly athletic Mysterio. Nidia has been ‘blinded’ by Tajiri’s poison mist, and Noble has been a jerk about it. That’s not relevant to Rey…but that’s all the build we have.
Jamie shows his hand immediately by blocking a 619 and looking to slow Rey down by suplexing him into the top rope. He tries to work the midsection, and Tazz tries his damndest to actually talk about the wrestling whilst Cole rambles on about blind Nidia. Mysterio pops up, springboards backwards and hits a hurricanrana for 2. Tiger Driver blocked, and Nidia accidentally (because she’s blind) trips Noble. 619/Drop Da Dime combo wins it for Rey at 03:07
Rating - N/A - I don’t want to do two talented workers a disservice by rating this. Only finding three minutes for them is pretty insulting…but to give them credit both guys worked like hell to get as much in as possible. Noble’s work on the ribs was fun, Mysterio hit some crowd-pleasing highspots, Nidia did some goofy fake-blind stuff to advance the ‘angle’…and considering they got less time than it takes to microwave a bowl of soup that’s pretty impressive.
Chavo Guerrero vs Eddie Guerrero
It was inevitable that Los Guerreros had to be phased out. Eddie was becoming too popular to restrict to the midcard and couldn’t be held back by regularly teaming with Chavo. This whole angle would have been far more memorable and effective if they’d have had a better team to work with on the way out than the Basham Brothers. The poor Guerreros were busting their asses carrying those two worthless lumps and the split matches wound up being so tragically mediocre that the split storyline inevitably suffered. Chavo blamed Eddie for their loss, then turned on him and recruited his father (Chavo ‘Classic’ Guerrero Sr.) to work his corner. Will ‘Chavito’ prove he was being held down by his spotlight-hogging uncle, or does Eddie get the payback Kurt Angle convinced him he craves?
Chavo’s post-Los Guerreros entrance music sounds like it’s been ripped from a low budget porno. Eddie does a hell of a job acting pissed off, and wrestles with none of his trademark bravado as he looks to make an impact at the start of the match. He muscles Chavo around, getting his nephew more and more wound up…then pokes him in the eyes when he tries to vent about it. Eddie goes for a powerbomb but sees it nimbly countered with a rana which sends both former Tag Champions over the top rope. Chavo Sr. pounces on the opportunity and trips Eddie (his little brother) into the ring steps putting Junior in charge for the first time. Still Eddie is refusing to throw a closed fist strike at his relative even as Chavo mounts him and peppers him with shots, instead countering him into a cross armbreaker. Three Amigos by Chavo (Three Chavitos?)…before Eddie to block a tornado DDT with headbutts to the bad shoulder. He hits the real Three Amigos then the Frog Splash for a win at 08:03
Rating - ** - It’s tough to know how one should read this match. On the one hand it left me extremely frustrated because Eddie and Chavo had great chemistry as opponents and it felt like they hadn’t even scratched the surface of what they could do together by the time they had to go home. BUT, on the other hand, feuding with Chavo was doing nothing for Eddie’s upward momentum and potential. Handing out such a quick, emphatic and decisive victory over Chavo quickly ends the feud and instantly elevates Eddie Guerrero in preparation for what we now know were pretty major plans.
Eddie isn’t satisfied with the victory and hammers home his progression into the main event scene by roughing up his brother then bloodying Chavo on his way out.
Josh Matthews asks Chris Benoit about his #1 spot in the Royal Rumble. Evolution barge in with championship belts and booze, and Flair accuses Benoit of being perennially unable to grab the ‘brass ring’.
Brock Lesnar vs Hardcore Holly – WWE Title Match
Hardcore Bob suffered a legitimate neck injury working Brock Lesnar in 2003. It was a scary incident, and it was a relief that Holly didn’t die…but being honest nobody missed him when he was away. Certainly nobody wanted to see him come back and go into a main event feud for the WWE Title. At best this should have been a random Smackdown main event. Behind the scenes the WWE were already preparing to lose Brock after WrestleMania, but with Kurt Angle’s neck still an issue and very few other challengers ready on Smackdown he was needed to keep the belt warm a little longer. The fact that this is placed as a legitimate pay-per-view title defence for him should tell you everything you need to know about how much creative actually cared about Lesnar at this point…
The sound of complete indifference greets Bob as he makes his way out. I’m still suppressing smirks having sat through a ludicrous video package acting like he’s a remote threat to Brock. He jumps Lesnar during his ring entrance then shoves his shoulder into the ringpost. Check out his annoyed expression when Brock noticeably stiffs him with a strike. You’ll notice he doesn’t act like a prick and doesn’t try to bully Brock like he’s done to inexperienced rookies though. It’s been all action for at least fifteen seconds…meaning we’re crying out for a lengthy rest hold. Hardcore Bob is trapped in a Hardcore Lie Around On The Mat Lock…then eats a stalling fisherman buster as he tries to crawl away. More Hardcore breath-catching ensues…and as the clock ticks past four minutes I realise we’ve spent basically three watching these guys lie around doing absolutely nothing. Next we get some Hardcore clotheslines, then a Hardcore dropkick. Hardcore Alabamaslam scores but rather than pin the fallen Brock he goes for a Hardcore Full Nelson. It’s so damn Hardcore Brock has to fight all the way to the floor to break it. F-5 sees Lesnar retain at 06:29
Rating - * - For the first time this evening I’m actively glad that a match has been booked to go short. Hardcore Holly in a pay-per-view WWE Title Match was a laughable proposition from the outset and the whole thing reeked of the higher ups helping out one of their 'locker room enforcers' and a loyal, long-term employee (Holly) after missing a year due to injury. However, weirdly this wasn’t a total bust. Although he didn’t have the structure right here, there were actually hints of what would make Lesnar such a special draw during his post-UFC WWE run. Total dominance of a clearly inferior opponent, effortless power moves coupled with total control of the mat, polishing off a challenger in a mere few minutes - that was basically the recipe for the Summerslam '14 John Cena title change match right? The challenger was wrong, and the restholds were too copious…however, all of those things would become hallmarks of Lesnar’s hugely successful run in 2014/15.
In the back Triple H gets his wrists taped and prepares to go to war. In HBK’s locker room, he says a silent prayer before he too heads into battle…
Triple H vs Shawn Michaels – World Heavyweight Title Last Man Standing Match
Calling this ‘seven years in the making’ when they’d headlined multiple pay-per-views together over the past eighteen months is a bit of a stretch. But after watching the World Title marooned in a plethora of totally forgettable bouts between the likes of HHH, Kevin Nash, Goldberg and Kane it is nice to genuinely anticipate a ppv defence of Raw’s top prize. At Summerslam 2002 Michaels competed in a WWE ring for the first time in four years and produced a stunning performance to beat HHH. On that evening Hunter had the last laugh with a sledgehammer attack…but Shawn got his revenge at Survivor Series when he won the inaugural Elimination Chamber – leaving Madison Square Garden as World Champion on that night whilst HHH went to hospital with a serious throat injury. At Armageddon 2002 they met again in a Three Stages Of Hell Match almost completely ruined by HHH’s total lack of mobility…and since then HBK has been stuck down the card. Over the latter half of 2003 he battled Helmsley’s cronies in some memorable contests, but after fighting the likes of Orton and Batista, he now wants the frontman of Evolution once more. The Game himself returned to the top of the Raw mountain when he reclaimed the World Title from Goldberg last month, and his old nemesis was waiting for him at the front of the contendership queue.
HHH’s physique is just strange at this point. From some angles he looks jacked, yet when the camera pans out to wider shots he looks like he has a pot belly hanging over his trunks. He completely winds himself trying to keep up with Shawn in the first two minutes, but the Last Man Standing rules do provide some grounding and logic to two guys standing in the ring swinging wildly at each other. Hunter goes after Michaels’ bad back…so HBK goes after his bad legs in return! He even takes a page out of HHH’s mentor’s playbook by locking in the Figure 4. There aren’t any submissions obviously, but if Triple H can’t stand he can’t answer a 10-count. The Game guts it out and shows all his cunning by ducking a running crossbody causing Shawn to crash torso-first on the floor. He takes another kick to the ribs on the way back in but still manages to block a Pedigree with a back body drop over the top rope. SPRINGBOARD PLANCHA…MISSES! SHAWN GOES THROUGH THE SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE! And he’s bleeding all over it too. He doesn’t stay down for the ten at this point but may wish he had done as he crawls out from the wreckage straight into a barrage of rights to the bloody forehead. Another benefit of the Last Man Standing stipulation is that the 10-count periods give HHH plenty of time to slump in the corner and catch his breath. At least he’s still selling the leg though. Wild and speculative right hands fly from the semi-conscious Heartbreak Kid…and he gets put on the ground again with a spinebuster. STEEL CHAIR TO THE BAD BACK! He tries to give Michaels a Pedigree on the same chair too only to be thwarted by the plucky challenger catapulting him into the ringpost then waffling him with the chair. HHH is cut too although compared to Shawn’s it’s just a scratch. Blood splashes from HBK’s hair as he does his signature nip-up and heads to the top rope. FLYING ELBOW DROP! SWEET CHIN MUSIC…COUNTERED WITH A LOW BLOW! Both take an age to recover from that exchange and are both caked in blood as their bodies lock together with Michaels applying a sleeper hold. Just when Triple H looks to be in real trouble he mounts a comeback and drives his former best friend into the mat with a DDT. Hunter dishes out a nasty Irish whip sending Michaels’ wounded back hard into the turnbuckles…only for Shawn to turn it right around and counter a back superplex with a mid-air crossbody. PEDIGREE NAILED! But of course, HHH’s legs aren’t in spectacular shape so he has a hell of a task getting up after that. The champ shakes his head in disbelief as Shawn stands up at 9…THEN HITS SWEET CHIN MUSIC! TEN COUNT! BOTH MEN ARE DOWN! It’s a draw at 22:25
Rating - **** - I’d go so far as to call this the best World Heavyweight Title match to date since the belt was reintroduced after Summerslam 2002. It may have lacked the organic drama and dynamism of their Street Fight at that same Summerslam event, but it was a colossal improvement on their plodding disappointment at Armageddon 2002. The Last Man Standing rules really helped cover up HHH’s lack of mobility and stamina, and even at his worst he’s always been capable of pretty decent bloody brawls. Although it was never really the focal point of the match (the blood loss became far more of a story than working a body part) I loved the subtle nods to the long term injuries each of them carry – particularly in the opening exchanges as HHH tried to attack the back (as he has done in all of their major matches)…only for Shawn to counter it by going after his sh*tty quads. Michaels was such an awesome performer at this point in time, and in an incredibly rich vein of form from his work with the likes of Orton and Batista, to his insane Survivor Series 2003 showing, and now this one.
Shawn Michaels refuses to be stretchered away and walks to the back on his own – unlike HHH.
JR and Tazz get the nod to call the main event. I’m a fan of that decision. Eric Bischoff struts out to run down Paul Heyman in Philadelphia…which of course brings Paul E. to the ring too. He gets a huge pop for declining to speak and instead punching Eric in the face. ‘Sheriff’ Steve Austin enters to give them both Stunners.
Terri tries to interview Goldberg about the Royal Rumble, but gets interrupted by Brock Lesnar. Lesnar acting like a dick is actually pretty funny.
Royal Rumble Match
Fifteen Raw superstars and fifteen Smackdown superstars will enter the ring one after the other, and the last man standing will win a spot in the main event of the twentieth annual WrestleMania in Madison Square Garden. The stakes simply don’t get much higher than that. Chris Benoit enters in the notorious #1 spot, has spent much of the last month at odds with Smackdown GM Paul Heyman and got called a choker by Evolution earlier in the show – so the odds of him winning look slim. On the flipside, on Raw Bill Goldberg won a Battle Royal to earn the coveted #30 entry. There are a surprising number of former World Champions in the field too with Booker T, Chris Jericho, Scott Steiner, Big Show and Kurt Angle all eyeing up a Royal Rumble win as a route back to the top of the card. But in truth, no matter how hard we want to deny it now, all eyes were on the Wolverine. Would the WWE finally pull the trigger on him after years of teasing? Is tonight the night that Benoit at last breaks the glass ceiling?
We know what number Benoit is, and he is joined by Randy Orton at #2. The IC Champion is understandably hesitant to lock up with such a skilled grappler and duly gets his ass handed to him when he does so. #3 is Mark Henry, ploughing into the ring and into some pretty rugged strike exchanges with Benoit. #4 is Tajiri and his weird little walk. ROLLING GERMANS on him by Benoit who continues to dominate. We’re still waiting for our first elimination as Bradshaw arrives at #5 – dishing out Clotheslines From Hell to everyone EXCEPT Benoit who COUNTERS IT TO THE CROSSFACE! Bradshaw is the toppled and becomes the first man eliminated. #6 is Rhyno, who makes a beeline for his old rival Benoit. Tajiri steals their thunder by putting Mark Henry in the Tarantula! GORE ON HENRY…and the impact eliminates Tajiri! Awesome spot! Benoit pounces to toss Henry out too. Matt Hardy is #7, dropping his future cohort in SCUM (Rhyno) with a Side Effect. We have a seriously mixed reaction for #8 – Scott Steiner. At last Tazz marks out for him since he storms in tossing out all kinds of suplexes. Again Benoit is impervious though, shaking Steiner off to hit him with some Germans instead. #9 is Matt Morgan for his Rumble debut, and he is the first guy to really lay a hand on the Wolverine when he drops him with a spinning powerbomb. The Hurricane is a heroic #10 – flying into the ring with a crossbody on his old pal Matt Hardy. His adventure is a brief one though because Morgan tosses him right back out. #11 is Booker T, with updated generic entrance music for the WWE Network. JR plays up the quality of the field by emphasising how few eliminations we’ve seen thus far. The buzzer sounds again and brings us the scowling face of #12: Kane. Booker eliminated Steiner during the Big Red Machine’s entrance apparently. His 2001 elimination record still stands, and Kane shows exactly why he has that record by single-handedly beating up everyone else in the ring. The clock sounds for #13…and the lights go out. GONGS SOUND! The Undertaker isn’t here, but the mere threat of his presence causes Kane to be eliminated! It turns out the actual thirteenth entrant is Spike Dudley…but he doesn’t actually make it to the ring because Kane murders him with a CHOKESLAM ON THE RAMP!
#14 is Rikishi, who looks to be heavier than ever. Benoit eliminates Rhyno, but both he and Orton are looking pretty weary now. They are both rather slumped in the corner as we reach halfway with #15 – Rene Dupree. Rene kicks Hardy out of the Rumble, celebrates with his little French dance…then gets eliminated himself after a Rikishi superkick. #16 is A-Train, still clinging to a job somehow. Chris Benoit is still defying the odds, this time by ducking Matt Morgan then sending him packing. Orton has a surge of adrenaline too – tossing out Rikishi and Booker in quick succession! #17 is Shelton Benjamin…as Benoit heaves out Albert! Orton tosses Shelton in short order, so the only two left in the ring are the two men who started! #18 is Ernest Miller (accompanied by his goofy little ring announcer). They dance around for 90 seconds, basically buying Benoit and Orton time to catch their breath before they inevitably dump ‘The Cat’. #19 is a little more serious…it’s Kurt Angle! He goes right after Benoit giving us flashbacks to their MOTYC at last year’s Royal Rumble ppv. Rico is #20, quickly getting his ass whooped by Orton as Benoit and Angle continue tearing lumps out of each other in the corner. Rico is ditched, before it’s time for #21. It’s supposed to be Test but he doesn’t come out since he’s been mysteriously assaulted backstage. Sheriff Austin orders his mystery assailant to replace him…IT’S MICK FOLEY! He’s coming for the ‘Legend Killer’! Mick’s in damn good shape too! He and Orton aren’t pulling their punches at all! CACTUS CLOTHESLINE! FOLEY ELIMINATES RANDY! He doesn’t care about WrestleMania, he just wants revenge on Orton! #22 is Christian, although nobody cares since Foley and Orton are still brawling at ringside. UNPROTECTED CHAIR SHOTS BY RANDY! Shades of Royal Rumble ’99! #23 is Nunzio, strutting straight into the Mandible Claw by the rampaging Mick Foley on his way out. Inside the ring Angle is dishing out German suplexes but frustrated at his inability to eliminate either Benoit or Christian. Cue the ‘business picks up’ lines as Big Show arrives at #24. The big names keep coming too with Chris Jericho next in at #25.
Benoit has been in the ring for more than forty minutes now. Show is so massive even five supremely talented guys can’t get him over the top rope and he scatters them all as Charlie Haas joins us at #26. Jericho and Christian, allies of course, are teaming up. The camera pans to Nunzio who is still sitting on the floor rather than enter. Jericho eliminates Christian (for the second year running)! #27 is Billy Gunn, returning with his Mr Ass persona and dishing out Fame Assers to Angle and Y2J. FAME ASSER ON BIG SHOW! Big reaction for #28, it’s John Cena. He drags Nunzio into the ring with him and goes right into battle with his rival Big Show. #29 is RVD, getting another late Rumble draw. F-U from Cena to Angle as the countdown to Goldberg begins. SPEAR ON BIG SHOW! SPEAR ON GUNN! Goldberg eliminates Haas even with Nunzio on his back like a parasite! SPEAR ON NUNZIO! Mr Ass is ditched! PRESS SLAM TO THE FLOOR for Nunzio! Check out the pops here if you ever believe that Goldberg never caught on in WWE. The guy was over at this point. BROCK LESNAR IS HERE! F-5 ON GOLDBERG! ANGLE ELIMINATES HIM! For the second time in the match Big Show scatters the entire field as they converge on him against the ropes. LIONSAULT! FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH! FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! FLYING WOLVERINE! Unfortunately that all means the seven foot monster is on the ground, as far away from the top rope as it gets. He rises from the mat and gets roundly boo’d for throwing out Cena and Van Dam in short order. The final four is Show, Angle, Jericho and Benoit! Y2J is like a gnat trying to get Big Show out, diving off the second rope into a bulldog. MASSIVE WALLS OF JERICHO! Angle tries to opportunistically pounce and eliminate Jericho, but instead it’s Show who grabs him for a CHOKESLAM TO THE FLOOR! CHOKESLAM ON BENOIT! ANGLE SLAM ON SHOW! ANGLE SLAM ON BENOIT! The crowd beg for Angle to go after Show instead of Benoit, and he obliges with the Anklelock! Show counters by KICKING ANGLE OVER THE TOP! We’re down to two, and Chris Benoit is fast approaching an hour in the ring! FLYING WOLVERINE TO A STANDING BIG SHOW! NO SOLD! CHOKESLAM…COUNTERED TO THE CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! And Show counters right back to escape with a sidewalk slam. The fans are genuinely applauding Benoit’s performance now. Guillotine choke from Benoit, throttling Show over the ropes. SHOW GOES OVER! SHOW IS ELIMINATED! BENOIT WINS! After 61:29, Benoit wins!
Rating - ****1/2 - I can’t pretend that the drama of this isn’t lessened by how Benoit ended his life, but this remains one of the finest Royal Rumbles of all time. My favourite part about this one is that it succeeds on the back of good wrestling and GREAT booking, rather than gimmicks, tricks, and surprise nostalgia trip entrants. In fact, the lack of star power here (particularly in the first half) is striking. But you were on the edge of your seat from the outset as Benoit tore through the field. Entrant after entrant struggled to lay a finger on the pumped up Wolverine, who looked almost untouchable. Across the ring from him you also had an awesome performance from a young Randy Orton. Randy’s eventual elimination at the hands of Mick Foley was an amazing moment, particularly looking back with hindsight knowing the heights their feud would go on to hit at Backlash later in the year. Couple that with the stage being set for Taker/Kane, Show/Cena and Lesnar/Goldberg at WrestleMania, and a thrilling finale as guys threw finishers around like confetti – there is so much to like about this Rumble even without Benoit. Having said all that it is impossible to deny that Benoit’s performance here is quite magnificent and is central to the success of the entire match. By the end he’d done so much that fans genuinely broke out into a spontaneous round of applause for the guy, showing their respect regardless of whether he won or lost. Right to the end we were kept guessing as to whether WWE would pull the trigger on his push or not. I’m not sure if this is my favourite Royal Rumble or not, simply because of the internal conflict that comes with watching any Chris Benoit match. Certainly the 2001 Rumble, or the ’92 Flair Rumble don’t make you feel guilty or conflicted when you watch them. But over a decade later, the sheer quality of this one across its one hour runtime remains something to be admired.
Tape Rating - *** - You could criticise the undercard here for being completely pointless, and you’d probably be quite justified. But when it comes down to it, WWE cared about three things with this pay-per-view: the Royal Rumble, the World Title and setting up Eddie Guerrero. I’d argue they emphatically delivered on all three of those priorities so it’s hard to get too hung up over anything else (particularly since only two matches got any time anyway). HHH/Michaels was probably better than I remembered it, and the notorious 2004 Royal Rumble remains an outstanding match even though history has rendered it a rather tough watch. I’m not sure the Last Man Standing Match is enough to recommend this show single-handedly, but if you can tolerate watching Chris Benoit then this show is well worth checking out.
Top 3 Matches
3) Eddie Guerrero vs Chavo Guerrero (**)
2) Triple H vs Shawn Michaels (****)
1) Royal Rumble Match (****1/2)