World Wrestling Entertainment – Insurrextion 2003 – 7th June 2003
After reviewing the seriously dire Judgment Day 2003, I’m now faced with the unenviable task of reviewing back-to-back Raw-exclusive ppv’s. It was only a couple of strong Smackdown matches which saved JD03 from being an absolutely appalling waste of time, so the idea of watching the weaker Raw roster try to carry six hours of action fills me with dread. By this point in 2003 the Smackdown troops had already toured the UK, but since they got Rebellion 2002 (which I still haven’t reviewed), Raw gets Insurrextion. I’m not going to BS you either – the card for this is absolutely horrible. Triple H and Kevin Nash square off for the World Title again after their car crash match at Judgment Day. Booker T challenges Christian for the Intercontinental Title he was screwed out of on the same show. La Resistance, who sucked something fierce in their ppv debut, are rewarded with a World Tag Title shot at RVD and Kane, Trish Stratus challenges Jazz for the Women’s Title (that could seriously be MOTN on this sh*t-storm of a card) – with some more crap I can’t even bring myself to type. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are in Newcastle, UK.
Jazz vs Trish Stratus – WWE Women’s Title Match
Trish was cheated out of the Women’s Title by Jazz at Backlash, and has been trying to get it back ever since. She is astoundingly popular in Newcastle this evening, and will be looking to repay that fan support with a win over her big rival.
Jazz shows surprising amounts of personality in the opening minutes, as she mocks Trish and poses to the crowd. The two women revel in the extra time they’ve been given tonight as they get to showcase some actual wrestling skill before descending into aimless high spots. The idea is that Jazz is powerful, but can’t match the speed and countering skills of her challenger. Theodore Long eventually has to come to his client’s aid by tripping Stratus – allowing Jazz to hang her over the top rope. Jazz looks to dominate now and batters Trish with crossfaces, slams, hair drags and snug chinlocks. Stinger Splash misses…but this time the champ has worn Stratus down and is able to shut down her speedy comeback attempt with a lariat. A lot of her offence targets the back – culminating in a Boston crab which has Trish screaming in pain. Finally the challenger responds with a neckbreaker, even though she is so beaten up executing it hurts her as much as her opponent. Headstand frankensteiner nailed for 2, and soon followed by the Matrix Chick Kick for another nearfall. Stratusfaction COUNTERED to a back suplex! Not content with that Jazz then converts another Chick Kick back to a Boston crab. TRISH COUNTERS TO AN STF! Victoria tries to run in since she still has issues with Trish…and as the ref tries to get her out Teddy Long sneaks in and spikes Trish into the ringpost. Jazz wins at 09:48
Rating - *** - Horribly crap finish, but the match before it was among the better Women’s Title matches I’ve seen. Both women clearly enjoyed getting a far greater time allowance than they’d normally get on Raw or a major ppv and put together an extremely solid, well-told story that emphasised their strengths. Jazz also looked a lot more charismatic here, and had time to demonstrate some of her character which she just doesn’t get to do when she only gets three or four minutes in the ring for her matches. Surprisingly decent opener…
Christian vs Booker T – WWE Intercontinental Title Match
Booker’s home video overdub entrance theme is unbelievably annoying. He actually won the Judgment Day Battle Royal to crown a new IC Champion – but unfortunately the ref assigned to the contest was knocked out and didn’t see it. Christian took advantage of the situation and was officially crowned the victor – then appeared on Raw with a new look and trash talked Booker during Jericho’s ‘Highlight Reel’ talk show. Booker T is looking for revenge and his first IC Title win here…
Aside from the whole ‘Captain Charisma’ name, Christian’s gimmick and look at this point is pretty much the same that he would use for the rest of his career. Clearly these guys have been given plenty of time too as they don’t even touch each other for the first seventy seconds of the match – giving Lawler plenty of time to run through his catalogue of wildly racist Booker T jokes. Christian wastes another minute stalling on the outside of the ring too. In fact, so little happens in the first five minutes that JR and Lawler engage in an elongated series of jokes about the size of JR’s penis. I’m not lying, that really happened. The theme they are going for is that Booker is stronger and angrier, but Christian is cunning and continually devises ways to escape his clutches. After seven minutes of minimal action Christian kills another ninety seconds with an elongated chinlock…before the action FINALLY kicks off with Booker missing the Harlem Sidekick and propelling himself all the way over the top rope to the floor. The champion works the neck and hits a couple of neckbreakers, along with jerking Book to the ground by his hair. ANOTHER CHINLOCK! Now we’re cooking. Booker escapes his grasp and delivers a jumping sidekick…and they kill another half a minute or so lying on the ground. Book End blocked into the reverse DDT for 2! Ghetto Blaster in the ropes by Booker…but it knocks Christian back into the referee. Heat Seeker nailed, though of course the ref is still out of position and slow to count. Unprettier blocked…so Christian grabs the ropes to ‘pin’ Booker for the win at 15:11
Rating - * - There’s no point in being given a decent time allocation if neither wrestler has any intention of doing anything with it. In the first match we saw Jazz and Trish drastically improve their performances to make the most out of what they’d been given. Here, all Christian and Booker did was stretch out their normal five minute Raw/house show routine to a horrendously dull fifteen minute slog. Stylistically I got the story they were going for, but they could have done this match in less than four minutes and not had to cut any of the ‘action sequences’ out. That finish looked ugly too.
Steve Austin berates Teddy Long for interfering in the Women’s Title Match…and punishes him by making his other clients (Rodney Mack and Chris Nowinski) wrestle a 6-man tonight, with him as their partner, against all three Dudley Boyz.
Kane/Rob Van Dam vs La Resistance – World Tag Title Match
According to a video package this takes place right in the midst of an awesome storyline whereby Kane is played up as a washed up, lost his passion, shadow of his former self…so Co-GM Austin was making fun of him and giving him Stunners. Who the f*ck writes this garbage? He and RVD have been rather directionless, placeholder babyface Tag Champions for a while, and tonight face the 2003-version Un-Americans in defence of them. Grenier and Dupree were seriously green at this time and looked lousy in their pay-per-view debut last month. Lets see how fast they learn…
‘Raw is Snore’ – a very accurate sign in the crowd. Van Dam has Dupree diving for cover because he can’t cope before Kane simply mauls Grenier. Even double teaming the monster does nothing for La Res and leads to nothing more than a springboard kick to the face from RVD. Kane then TOSSES Rob into a somersault plancha to the floor! Van Dam is in full ECW mode tonight, whereby every move he hits is punctuated by stalling and posing to the fans. It leads to him being assaulted by both opponents and cut off from Kane for a couple of minutes. It’s JR’s turn to be racist now as he rattles of an uninterrupted stream of anti-French sentiment whilst they control proceedings. He’s barely anymore complimentary about La Resistance as wrestlers in truth, barely stopping short of calling them greenhorns in the midst of his rant. Hot tag to Kane…who is promptly mown down with the Bonsoir for 2. Dupree back drops RVD to the floor before the Big Red Machine does the Kane-equivalent of Hulking up to hit a DOUBLE Chokeslam. Five Star Frog Splash wins it at 09:02
Rating - ** - Dupree and Grenier had good looks, decent charisma and you could see the upside with them. But they were so brutally uninteresting to watch wrestle at this point. They struggled with even the most basic of tag team formulaic concepts and simply couldn’t connect their wrestling style with the heel gimmick they were supposed to portray. As such this match was actually pretty fun whenever Kane and Van Dam were beating on them, but boring as dirt whenever they were on offence.
Al Snow is apparently an interviewer now. He interviews Goldust…who apparently has Tourrette Syndrome as a gimmick now? Big fat what the hell?
Rico vs Goldust
3-Minute Warning were done at this point, leaving Rico to be repackaged as a solo act. By repackaged I mean, they did nothing different with him, he just wrestled instead of stood in the corner of various tag teams. His opponent is Goldust…presumably so they can inject some kind of bizarre humour into proceedings.
Earl Hebner has more heat than either wrestler. Rico can’t decide whether his gimmick is metro-sexual stylist or martial arts expert…and since the two are such polar opposites fans simply don’t buy into either one. Silence soon descends over the arena as they proceed in a perfectly professional but thoroughly uninteresting manner. Even the super-experienced JR and King struggle to voice what could (very generously) be described as ‘action’. Rico literally has no signature moves and an offence limited entirely to kick combos and super-basic heel stuff…which is unfortunate as he is the aggressor for much of the time. Ross and Lawler are quickly resorted to discussing the merits of the James Bond film franchise. Again, that’s not a joke, they really have nothing else to talk about. Rico misses his only credible spot, the moonsault – to deathly silence. He hides behind the ref to escape Shattered Dreams, but is eventually polished off with a powerslam at 09:52
Rating - DUD - I feel a little guilty for giving this a DUD. There was nothing wrong with it necessarily, but both wrestlers were so chronically un-over it was painful to sit through. Rico’s entire WWE career was devoid of purpose, but watching him desperately try to get heat whilst fans almost fell asleep was pretty sad and uncomfortable. Goldust, who’d had a solid nostalgia run from the start of 2002, looked like he didn’t have much left to offer by this point either. When you consider that Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho and Ric Flair are all booked on this event without working matches, and the likes of Lance Storm and The Hurricane were relegated to the dark matches, there’s no excuse for presenting something this boring even on what is essentially a televised house show.
‘We’ve been having a lot of fun tonight’ – JR. At least someone has. We go to a video package honouring the recently-departed Freddie Blassie. It’s probably the highlight of the show so far…
HIGHLIGHT REEL – Is Jericho injured? That’s the only reason I can possibly think of for not booking him to work tonight. His cheap-as-sh*t heel promo is so lazy and easy that it’s loads of fun to watch at least. His guests are Raw’s General Management team – Eric Bischoff and Steve Austin. Stone Cold can barely wipe the smile off his face, and has plenty of fun ripping on the two guys in the ring with him. He announces he’s changed the World Title Match tonight to a Street Fight…then dishes out Stunners all round.
SIDENOTE – Not sure how to critique this segment. Austin and Jericho were in their element, had very little scripted but entertained themselves riffing around each other. The live crowd absolutely ate it up as well, which was well deserved after sitting through some pretty tedious matches tonight. But why on earth was Jericho wasted in this and not booked in a match?
Naitch and HHH are livid at that announcement. The Game is devastated that he’s in a Street Fight a week before Hell In A Cell…but says he plans to take Nash out tonight so he doesn’t get to Bad Blood.
Rodney Mack/Christopher Nowinski/Theodore Long vs Dudley Boyz/Spike Dudley
Mack, Jazz’s real-life husband, was recently debuted as another Teddy Long client. Their ‘black power’ stable was strangely added to by Nowinski – who had already suffered a couple of pretty severe concussions and was all but finishing up his run by this point. I seem to remember Theodore Long trying to get D-Von to join them (‘why is a white man always telling YOU to get the table?’) but that may not have happened yet.
Mack uses ground and pound to get the better of D-Von…then Nowinski disrespectfully pie-faces Bubba Ray. After the Dudleyz clear the ring the heels try to leave, only to have Spike press slammed up the aisle after them. Sadly that puts Spike in their clutches and allows them to cut the ring in half to isolate him from his big brothers. Nowinski sees his attempt at a Vader Bomb countered with knees though, bringing Bubba back into the picture. Chris tries to hit him with his protective facemask to no avail and is easily tossed aside as the Dudz hit the Wassup on Mack. Double stomp by Spike gets 2, before Rodney counters the Acid Drop into a running powerslam. Teddy Long accidentally gets knocked out by his own protégé…and is pinned for the win by Spike at 09:15
Rating - ** - I didn’t have high hopes, but for a house show encounter this one was lively. The comedy spots were on point, the heels looked relatively competent, the action was brisk and purposeful, Teddy Long was appropriately hapless and the crowd were sent home happy with a Dudley victory.
After the match Nowinski finally succeeds in levelling Bubba with his facemask, and the heels set about table-ing the Dudleyz. To nobody’s surprise it winds up being Nowinski getting a 3-D through a table though…
Val Venis is introduced as guest referee, and in turn he introduces Stacy Keibler who is apparently the guest ring announcer…
Test vs Scott Steiner
The feud everybody wanted to see. Their uneasy tag team which Stacy put together spectacularly failed, and in fact Stacy broke up with Test after he threw her in the path of a baseball slide from an opponent – then laughed about it. Stacy wants to manage Steiner (f*ck knows why), but Test won’t let her as he has a valid contract for her managerial services. They have a ‘winner gets Stacy’ match at Bad Blood scheduled, so this is merely the warm up act.
Test jumps Steiner as he tries to help Stacy out of the ring, but pretty much bounces off the wall of muscle and has to take evasive action soon afterwards. In the end he decks Steiner only after hiding behind Stacy again. He then tries to cover Stacy up with Val’s greasy towel – which since she is contractually obligated to him apparently she has to do. What the hell is in this contract? Given how many substances the two workers ALLEGEDLY take, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that they are both blowing hard after a couple of minutes and need a few rest holds to catch their breath. It’s only Stacy being at ringside which saves the crowd from descending into louder ‘boring’ chants. She throws the towel at Test, distracting him as Scotty sets up for a few suplexes. Full nelson slam by Test gets 2, and is probably the biggest bump Steiner has taken since he returned to the WWE in November. Stacy and Test bicker again after he tries to remove the turnbuckles…and the distraction allows Test to hit the Big Boot. She steals a chair from Test…and Steiner hits the Flatliner to win at 06:49
Rating - * - Obviously from a wrestling perspective this was pretty crappy. But, the star I’ve awarded is because, from an entertainment standpoint, both Test and Stacy played their roles extremely well. The crowd were pretty into things, and this angle actually would have gotten a lot more traction if Test was working with someone a little more capable than Steiner. From memory this was actually better than their horror show of a match at Bad Blood.
Triple H vs Kevin Nash – World Heavyweight Title Street Fight
At Judgment Day Nash dominated the champion so much that HHH resorted to attacking the ref with a sledgehammer to force a DQ. Big Sexy got a measure of revenge by putting his former friend through the Raw announce table, and continued to pursue The Game looking to take the World Title from him. They have a Hell In The Cell booked for Bad Blood, but the title could change hands a week early here in Newcastle. It’s also a chance for both guys to do some serious damage before entering the career-threatening Hell In A Cell environment back in the US. Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair, who also face each other at Bad Blood, will be in the corners of the two men tonight as well.
Nash’s pyro leaves so much smoke that it looks like they are wrestling in a fog. He starts the quickest (a poor choice of words) by beating HHH around the ring with some cumbersome ‘brawling’…as on the outside Flair and Michaels start fighting amongst themselves. Soon Naitch is COVERED in blood after a trip into the ringpost. Their fight actually becomes a distraction to Big Sexy, who heads up the aisle to get involved in it and winds up getting kicked in the nuts by Helmsley. Both of them take some bumps on the steel floor of the set before they make their way to the announce table in an action replay of Judgment Day. The table survives intact this time though, and they plod back to the ring. HHH goes after Nash’s bad quad which is ironic (although Kev can’t be bothered to even attempt to sell it). The challenger drop toeholds Hunter into the ring steps then brains him with them, causing him to bleed almost as badly as Flair was. Earl Hebner gets bumped of course, which strikes as completely unnecessary in a Street Fight. Flair runs in with a chair only to be beaten senseless by Nash…but he managed to feed the weapon to the Game who uses it in his place. The experienced half of Evolution do a number on Big Daddy Cool until HBK charges back for a rescue act. SWEET CHIN MUSIC ON FLAIR! He also rescues Nash from getting whacked with a sledgehammer. PEDIGREE ON SHAWN! JACK-KNIFE POWERBOMB! Hebner is still on the ground though, and by the time Charles Robinson runs in to replace him Flair has recovered sufficiently to make the save. HHH cracks Nash across the face with the sledgehammer to retain the title at 14:56
Rating - ** - A drastic improvement on Judgment Day, though not because Nash or HHH worked that much harder. The difference here was that they had more to cover their total lack of workrate – with Flair and Michaels providing all the excitement. The Street Fight scenario did mean they could use weapons to add some intensity to their slow motion brawling at least – and the finish was chaotic in a Michael Bay movie type manner. Hardly a classic, but enough to reassure you that the Bad Blood main event won’t make you regret ever becoming a wrestling fan
Tape Rating - DUD - This is among the worst shows I’ve ever critiqued for McXal’s Reviews. Not the worst show I’ve ever seen, but certainly among the worst I’ve ever reviewed. The WWE was in a desperate state by this point, particularly on the Raw side of things. There were a lot of seriously poor wrestlers in high profile spots, and one of the worst creative teams ever assembled. Without the Smackdown crew to carry their asses Raw seriously floundered here. This was like a half-speed warm-up act for Bad Blood, which mostly left you more certain than ever that single-brand ppvs were a terrible idea. It wasn’t helped by the fact that Jericho and Michaels weren’t wrestling, Lance Storm and Hurricane were on the pre-show, Regal wasn’t here, RVD was stuck with La Resistance and Goldberg didn’t even bother coming…but this was an awful show. When a Women’s Title Match with a lousy finish is MOTN by a serious distance your show has problems.
To focus on what few positives there were – whilst the Highlight Reel segment was a major waste of Jericho, it was pretty funny and definitely went over well with the live crowd. Trish and Jazz really delivered the goods and relished the extra time a Raw-exclusive ppv offered them. And the main event, as mediocre as it may have been, represented a GIANT leap forward from Judgment Day. There is no reason for anyone to ever watch this show again though. I always try to judge a DVD or wrestling show by how much ‘rewatch value’ it has. Even if there’s only one match on a show that I loved, at least that one match gives a show SOME ‘rewatch value’. Insurrextion 2003 was so bad it doesn’t even have any ‘first watch’ value. A firm, hard, emphatic, resounding recommendation to avoid
Top 3 Matches
3) Dudley Boyz/Spike Dudley vs Rodney Mack/Christopher Nowinski/Theodore Long (**)
2) Triple H vs Kevin Nash (**)
1) Jazz vs Trish Stratus (***)