World Wrestling Entertainment – Judgment Day 2003 – 18th May 2003
It seems like it was during this period that the WWE set about undoing all the good work they’d done in rebuilding the company towards the end of 2002. Considering the wealth of talent the company had signed up at the moment – there is a frankly indefensible amount of crap on this card. Kevin Nash and Big Show getting undeserved heavyweight title matches. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper booked together despite being at least a decade past their prime. Plus an undercard which has such celebrated in-ring mat technicians like Scott Steiner, La Resistance, the WWE’s lousy FBI stable and Old Mother Sable in a bikini. Hopefully this is one of those shows which looks terrible on paper but winds up surprising you. Backlash 2003 didn’t have the best card but didn’t turn out so awful…so fingers crossed everybody! Jim Ross, Michael Cole, Tazz and Jerry Lawler commentate from Charlotte, NC.
Glass shatters as the ppv goes live – and Steve Austin strides out to make his first ppv appearance since being appointed Co-GM of Raw. He tells everyone he’s going to drink beer and watch the show in a skybox. Unless there was some kind of technical issue he needed to stall for – what the hell was the point of this?
John Cena/Chuck Palumbo/Johnny Stamboli vs Chris Benoit/Rhyno/Spanky
Benoit has seriously fallen down the card since January. His ‘we had broken necks’ team with Rhyno appears to be continuing. Tonight they are also joined by Brian ‘Spanky’ Kendrick, making his WWE ppv debut, to face Cena and the FBI. Cena wants to rebound after his WWE Title loss to Lesnar at Backlash, whilst Palumbo and Johnny The Bull are probably happy to be booked at all. Stamboli was in WCW, had his contract picked up with the WWE buy-out and spent the best part of two years in developmental before getting the call up
RUNNING SOMERSAULT PLANCHA by Spanky to kick things off! He was so much fun during his run. Cena soon slaps him down, apparently looking for revenge because Kendrick out-rapped him on TV. Palumbo wrestles with half a cigar in his mouth before Brian finally fights away from the heels and gets a hot tag to Benoit. Flying Wolverine on Chuck! GORE from Rhyno to Nunzio! Palumbo blocks Sliced Bread #2…and counters to the KISS OF DEATH! FBI and Cena win at 03:56
Rating - N/A - I don’t want to rate this. If I did it wouldn’t get a decent rating at all, which isn’t fair to the talent involved, who actually did really well. Spanky in particular was a lot of fun to watch. Could they seriously not find more than four minutes for these guys? On a pay-per-view where they just had Austin come out and cut a promo about nothing more than how he's going to watch a show he's already at?
Steve Austin is drinking beer and eating hotdogs in his skybox. Eric Bischoff wants to know why he, the other Co-GM of Raw, wasn’t invited. Austin sweats profusely as they go through a lengthy conversation about what kind of alcohol Eric likes to drink. Obviously it’s far more interesting than watching the likes of Cena, Benoit, Rhyno and Spanky wrestling.
La Resistance vs Test/Scott Steiner
Test and Steiner are rather unwilling tag partners, having been assembled by Test’s girlfriend Stacy Keibler. Their opponents, Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier, are working basically the same ‘Un-American’ gimmick (that f*cking TEST had last year – this booking sucks), with the spin that they are French (well, French Canadian) instead of Canadian. I’d suggest to Vince that if talents like Storm, Regal and Christian couldn’t get this crap over, then rookies like Dupree and Grenier won’t do much better. Anyway, they have an issue with Scott Steiner because he acted like a stereotypical American redneck and outright said that anyone ‘not supporting our troops should go to hell…or France’.
Dupree, who at this point was exceptionally young for a WWE superstar, starts out by slapping Test in the face. Steiner clubs the sh*t out of him, as Lawler puts him over for hating France. Grenier eventually distracts Big Poppa Pump…so Rene can hit a wildly uncontrolled flapjack into the top rope. Scott looks like a dithering old man trying to get off the toilet as he gets of the mat to hit an overhead throw on Dupree before making the hot tag. Test and Grenier botch a clothesline in the corner, and Sylvain hides behind the ref to escape the Big Boot. Pumphandle Slam instead, only for the ref to be distracted talking to Steiner and Stacy meaning Test’s pinfall isn’t counted. Stacy is inadvertently knocked off the apron into Steiner’s arms – much to Test’s annoyance. He accidentally levels Scott with the Big Boot and La Resistance polish him off with the Bonsoir spinebuster at 06:19
Rating - DUD - This was so bad I actually felt sorry for Grenier and Dupree, who themselves suck so much Wrestling Observer Newsletter voted them Worst Team of the Year in 2003. There’s no getting away from the fact that they were inexcusably green and made several basic errors…but that paled in comparison to the stumbling, shambolic, muscled up mess that was Scott Steiner standing across the ring. He was appalling in this – selling nothing and looking so artificially inflated that he struggled simply getting up off the canvas or taking basic bumps. Painful to watch…
Stacy wants to check on Scott Steiner (her client) but is dragged away by an angry Test (her boyfriend).
Ace reporter Gregory Helms approaches Mr America and asks if he’s really Hulk Hogan. Mr A responds by asking him if he is really The Hurricane. Touché
Josh Matthews has Eddie Guerrero with him. Chavo was ruled through injury, which left Latino Heat without a partner for his scheduled Tag Title Ladder Match against Team Angle. He brings in Tajiri as Chavo’s replacement – and awards him one of Kurt Angle’s stolen medals to make him an honorary Guerrero tonight.
Team Angle vs Eddie Guerrero/Tajiri – WWE Tag Title Ladder Match
It’s always a lousy situation when an angle you’ve planned out weeks in advance is wrecked right before the big blow off thanks to an injury. Obviously this was supposed to be a WGTT/Guerreros rematch, before Chavo was cancelled with a late injury. Tajiri is his replacement, and he has promised he will lie, cheat and steal in true Guerrero fashion tonight.
Shelton attacks Eddie in the aisle, instantly bringing a ladder into play by whipping him through it. It leaves him incapacitated and allows the champions to work a 2-on-1 advantage on Tajiri. Even Eddie drags himself back into the ring WGTT take him out again with a press slam gutbuster. Guerrero tries to back body drop Tajiri at their opponents, only for their inexperience to count against them and lead to a nasty spill to the floor for the Japanese competitor. HANDSPRING ELBOW ON THE LADDER by the recovering Tajiri to save the match! He and Eddie then dropkick a ladder into Haas’ crotch. The punishment on Charlie continues with a SLINGSHOT HILO LADDER SANDWICH! Amusingly Tajiri tries to give Guerrero a massage to soothe his back after hitting that. POWERSLAM INTO A LADDER from Shelton to Eddie! He opens up a ladder in the middle of the ring as Haas lifts Tajiri up on another ladder. BROKEN ARROW OFF ONE LADDER AND THROUGH THE OTHER! Haas makes a dash for the belts only to be shoved to the floor! Tajiri, meanwhile, ruthlessly kicks a ladder straight into Benjamin’s face from close range. Tarantula on Charlie – which means turning his back on Benjamin…as he absolutely NAILS him with a ladder. WGTT amble around clearly trying to think of something to kill some time – which is brilliantly explained by Cole and Tazz on commentary as elite level wrestlers struggling in a match well outside of their comfort zone. Eddie capitalises by monkey flipping one of them into the other – with a ladder in the middle. FROG SPLASH OFF THE LADDER FOR SHELTON! The crowd absolutely worship Guerrero as he climbs for the belts with Haas. SUNSET FLIP BOMB OFF THE LADDER! GREEN MIST ON BENJAMIN! Eddie and Tajiri grab a belt each – and become unlikely new champions at 14:16!
Rating - **** - Not the most famous Ladder Match in WWE history, but it was actually really strong. With Chavo’s late removal, a couple of botches and WGTT looking pretty uncomfortable in this environment it could have really been a mess – but all four really showed their class to produce a memorable match. I loved that Eddie and Tajiri’s botch could be explained away by pointing out the last minute nature of their team. I loved that Haas and Benjamin ambling around looking at each other and three different ladders with panicked ‘what do we do now?’ expressions is logical because they were brought in as supreme amateur wrestlers – not hardcore brawlers. This felt so unique, whilst still providing plenty of innovative and brutal high spots all the best ladder matches tend to be known for. The Broken Arrow ladder spot was possibly the highlight for me, though Tajiri’s through-the-rungs Mist on Shelton as he climbed was really spectacular to watch too. A great job from four guys who were put in a tough spot only to absolutely make the best of it.
The beers are still flowing in the Raw GM skybox. Austin forces Bischoff to eat a burger and chug…
Chris Jericho informs Terri Runnels that he will leave Judgment Day tonight as the Intercontinental Champion. Roddy Piper shows up and they are absolutely GOLD ripping on each other…
WWE Intercontinental Title Battle Royal
When Smackdown created a new championship they held an awesome tournament. Raw, being the raging pile of excrement that it was at this point, simply holds a corny battle royal. The decision to remove the IC Title from Raw last year seemed like a misguided decision even then – but nevertheless it was united with the World Heavyweight Championship when HHH defeated the last champion, Kane, at No Mercy 2002. One of Steve Austin’s first acts as Co-General Manager of Raw was to reinstate the belt. The competitors vying for it tonight are all former IC Champions on the Raw brand (with the exception of one). They are Val Venis (the Sean Morley act sucked and was rightly ditched), Chris Jericho, Goldust, Lance Storm, Rob Van Dam, Christian, Test, Kane and Booker T.
RVD and Kane go straight at it with each other, despite being the reigning World Tag Champions. The Big Red Machine then fights off the ENTIRE field by himself, eliminating Storm in the process. Everyone comes back and eliminates him…so he marches back inside in a strop to lay them all out. Booker and Goldust capitalise by eliminating Venis and Test…as Jericho knocks out Van Dam with a springboard dropkick. This is now effectively a tag match as the Book-Dust team face off with the Jericho/Christian alliance. Goldust hits Shattered Dreams on both heels and demands to celebrate by watching Booker do a Spinaroonie. He tries to toss out his own partner…but it’s reversed at the last meaning Booker eliminates Goldy. It leaves Book alone with the two Canadians who revel in the situation by beating lumps out of him. JR reveals that Book was actually in hospital with pneumonia earlier in the week making his mere presence in the match pretty remarkable. Christian is the first of the duo to stick a knife in a back and tosses Jericho to the floor as he attempts a Lionsault. Unprettier blocked…Ghetto Blaster ducked…and Booker superkicks Christian off the apron! But the ringside ref got knocked out and didn’t see it. Christian lays out Booker with the title belt then throws him out, giving him a controversial victory at 11:45
Rating - * - Compared to the glorious way Smackdown crowned new Tag Champions, this was a joke. They eliminated half the entrants inside two minutes, just to rehash the Jericho/Christian vs Book-Dust stuff which everyone had got bored of seeing months earlier? I’d have gone DUD on this, but I felt that Booker’s performance (particularly considering his reported illness issues) was pretty remarkable. At least Christian winning is relatively interesting. He’s a guy Raw really should have been using better.
Christian’s in-ring celebration gets about as much time as the 6-man that opened the show.
Sable and Torrie oil up ahead of their swimsuit contest. Soon after Tazz is in the ring to introduce the two ladies. Torrie has Lillian Garcia sing her entrance music live, and Sable wears a robe that barely covers her breasts. She is first to disrobe too, revealing her truly bizarre body. Essentially they both dance around like strippers (it’s hard to get the South Park ‘wanna daaaaaaaaaaaaance?’ stripper voice out of my head), Torrie is declared the winner, and celebrates by shoving her boobs against Sable’s and making out with her. Softcore porn fans who mistakenly ordered a wrestling pay-per-view are happy.
Bischoff is now wasted in the skybox…so Stone Cold encourages soak up the alcohol with spicy jalapeno peppers. Fans of every juvenile fratboy comedy movie who mistakenly ordered a wrestling pay-per-view are happy. Meanwhile Chris Benoit, Rhyno and Spanky question their career choices…
MORE crap…with Vince McMahon significantly over-stating Roddy Piper’s place in WWE history. He is counting on Piper to beat Mr America tonight – so he can expose him as Hogan.
Roddy Piper vs Mr America
Hot Rod returned to the WWE at WrestleMania, and attacked Hulk Hogan in the midst of his match with Vince McMahon. Vince failed to end Hulk’s career that night in Seattle, but wound up firing (or suspending? I can’t remember) him a few weeks later. The mysterious, masked hero Mr America, showed up soon afterwards. It was very obviously Hogan, but Vince couldn’t prove it – and despised the fact that the Hulkster had found a way onto television again. During the lead-in Smackdown Piper and his protégé Sean O’Haire (who accompanies him to the ring tonight) were putting a beatdown on Mr A – until a fan jumped the rails looking to ‘save his hero’. The fan was Zach Gowen, and Piper accidentally pulled off his prosthetic leg. Gowen is in Hogan’s corner tonight presumably wanting an equal measure of revenge on the Piper/O’Haire tandem.
Piper and O’Haire jump America before the bell…and Sean continues taking cheap shots even after it rings thanks to Hot Rod’s manipulation of the referee. Eventually Hulk tries to choke O’Haire with his weightlifting belt, only for Piper to steal it and use it for himself. Sleeper Hold locked in, and the trip to the 80’s continues with Mr A powering out and Hulking Up. Vince McMahon comes to the ring and distracts him before he can hit the Leg Drop though. He then hands O’Haire a metal pipe and distracts the ref – but alas Sean only succeeds in knocking out Roddy! Leg Drop wins it for Mr A at 04:54
Rating - DUD - This was exactly as bad as you’d expect between two guys who’s best years were well behind them, but with the added 'bonus' of abysmal booking thrown in. I truly don’t understand why this entire feud was booked in the first place. I get that WWE wants to be an entertainment company rather than a wrestling company – but this was so bad it makes the entire product look like sh*t, and they HAD to know that would be the case. It shouldn’t have surprised anyone that Hogan and Piper had a sh*t match in 2003. And, other than Zach Gowen (at a stretch), nobody is getting over from this either. It’s the very epitome of idiotic and pointless. Ironically even Hogan wasn’t a big fan of this, and quit the company during this run citing creative differences and a pay dispute.
It turns out Gowen actually grabbed Vince to stop him getting into the ring, and he hops into the ring to hide behind Hogan rather than face the wrath of the boss.
Stephanie McMahon wishes her ex-husband HHH luck in his match…
Triple H vs Kevin Nash – World Heayweight Title Match
I can’t imagine, as executives fretted over the HHH/Steiner debacle and said ‘man, we need to get HHH some challengers who can work’, that anyone stood up and said – ‘hey guys, Nash is the answer’. Nash seems like a pretty sound guy, who actually talks with some sense if you’ve ever heard or seen him interviewed. But this feud was nothing really seemed like nothing more than an indication of HHH’s growing backstage influence. Big Sexy wanted to come back to the WWE and hang out with his buddies HHH and Shawn Michaels. Unfortunately he returned to find Shawn and Hunter at war, with him eventually hanging his hat on Shawn’s side of the fence. It led to some vicious attacks by The Game – and we enter Judgment Day with Big Daddy Cool hellbent on revenge and becoming a World Champion once again. The WWE’s production team are so good they actually make this match look like it won’t be utter crap.
Michaels and Flair are both at ringside for this. Unfortunately they are on their own because Nash and HHH are already brawling in the aisle. That’s actually a shame as it interrupted a pretty awesome pyro display for Hunter’s entrance. The seconds seem to get banished to the locker room during that brawl, so by the time the actual match begins we are down to just the two participants. Predictably the action is slow, methodical and painfully basic…with both men rigidly sticking to moves you probably learn in the first week of wrestling school. Earl Hebner takes as many bumps as the wrestlers, and moves considerably more quickly as well. They do a ‘heel runs away and the babyface gives chase’, except they both look like they are walking in slow motion. HHH low blows Kev following the third or fourth ref bump and brains him on the exposed turnbuckle bolt. Sloppy ass Pedigree nailed for 2. He then NAILS poor Earl with the sledgehammer, meaning he loses by disqualification at 07:48
Rating - DUD - This sucked of course. That didn’t surprise anyone in 2003, and it certainly doesn’t surprise me watching back in 2014. These two were so slow and lazy in the ring together it became farcical, and they were woefully unable to deliver a decent wrestling match without smoke, mirrors or special stipulations to save them. How does a referee in his 50’s take more bumps and do more work than the damn wrestlers? To give them credit, they obviously did something right because the Charlotte crowd were into it (even with Flair having been sent out), and definitely weren’t giving it the HHH vs Steiner treatment. Raw’s main event scene has, on the whole, been the absolute pits non-stop since the brand extension though. Maybe they were just accustomed to the sucking by this point…
Nash is furious, to the point where even Shawn Michaels can’t reason with him. He drags HHH up the aisle and powerbombs him through the Raw announce table.
More skybox capers, with a jovial Stone Cold and a thoroughly miserable Eric Bischoff. The punchline for this entire evening of crap skits is Eric vomiting on the waitress and out the window of the box. Complete with multi-angle action replays of the puke. Sometimes the WWE writers just suck…
Jazz vs Trish Stratus vs Jacqueline vs Victoria – WWE Women’s Title Match
Why is Jackie always wheeled out for random ppv title matches? Why never Molly Holly? Jazz is the champion (we saw her cheat Trish out of the belt at Backlash) but faces a tough ask tonight with three former champions looking to dethrone her.
Stevie Richards trips Trish so Victoria can get the jump on her whilst Jazz mauls Jacqueline in the opposite corner. Stratus gets whipped into the ringpost to take her out, before Victoria returns to hit a swinging sidewalk slam on Jackie Bitch Clamps on both of them by Jazz…who then blocks Trish’s Chick Kick to trap her in an STF. Jackie puts Victoria in a half crab at the same time, backing herself to get a submission before Jazz can! No submissions are forthcoming though, and Trish Matrix-ducks into the Chick Kick for 2. Headstand frankensteiners nailed…before Victoria THROWS HER OUT OF THE RING to counter the Stratusfaction! Jacqueline counters the Widow’s Peak…only to be spiked with an Evenflow DDT by Jazz. She retains at 04:48
Rating - ** - Second best match of the night by a country mile. The women didn’t get much time, but hit everything cleanly and actually moved with some urgency. After watching Nash and HHH trundle around the ring like wounded donkies this felt like I was watching lucha libre on speed. Trish, as usual, was the outstanding act and took a couple of really nasty bumps. As I’ve said before though, I quite like Jazz’s style.
Brock Lesnar vs Big Show – WWE Title Stretcher Match
The rules for this one are simple enough. There are no disqualifications, and a winner is determined when someone is placed on a stretcher and wheeled past a yellow line which has been marked out in front of the Titantron. Lesnar and Show have an extensive history by this stage. It was Big Show who ended Brock’s first WWE Title reign at Survivor Series last year, before Lesnar had a hand in ensuring Show lost the belt to Kurt Angle the following month. At Royal Rumble Brock defeated the giant, earning a spot in the Rumble itself – which he went on to win, booking the spot in the WrestleMania main event which he used to dethrone Angle. Since Mania Big Show has amused himself bullying smaller members of the Smackdown locker room – most notably Rey Mysterio, whom he severely he injured at Backlash with a stretcher assault. Brock stood up to his old nemesis – and this was booked.
Show brings the stretcher he assaulted Mysterio with to the ring…but finds it used against him by a fired up WWE Champion who smacks him all over ringside with it. He then wheels one of the ‘official’ stretchers straight into Show’s head! Big Show shakes it off easily though, and press slams Lesnar through the same stretcher. Another shot across the back with the Mysterio stretcher piles on the pain to Brock’s perennially suspect ribs. Chokeslam nailed – and Show looks to wheel him out on a stretcher for the first time. When he fights off the giant simply clobbers him to the concrete floor then waffles him with another big shot across the sternum with the stretcher. Lesnar starts ripping out reels of cable from the set then climbs onto Show’s back looking to throttle him. SPEAR UP THE AISLE by Lesnar! BODY SLAM ON THE STRETCHER! Suck on that Hogan. Big Show fires back by driving Brock into the side of the ring using the stretcher. BROCK KNOCKS SHOW OFF THE APRON THROUGH A STRETCHER! He then walks out of the arena with a smile on his face! Rey Mysterio’s music hits…and he comes in through the crowd to give Big Show a 619. Meanwhile Brock SMASHES through the f*cking set driving a forklift! FLYING PLANCHA OFF THE ROOF OF THE TRUCK! VERTICAL SUPLEX ON SHOW! F-5!!!!!! Brock finishes it off by depositing Show, on a stretcher, on the loading dock of the truck and DRIVING him over the yellow line to retain at 15:31
Rating - *** - I’ve said a number of times that these two have serious chemistry as opponents, and this was the best match that I’ve seen from them. It wasn’t without it’s faults (I didn’t like Rey’s run in, and Big Show’s big fat offence occasionally looked like turd), but on the whole this was a suitably violent blow off for them. The fact that the WWE doesn’t book many Stretcher Matches definitely meant this felt unique, and the second half (with Show taking some huge bumps then all the stuff with the forklift) was a whole lot of fun. On a lousy ppv this was a surprisingly strong main event.
Tape Rating - * - A seriously atrocious pay-per-view. I know a 1* rating does seem harsh when the Tag Title Ladder Match and the WWE Title Stretcher Match were both very decent, but I wanted to reflect the sheer stupidity of WWE’s creative direction at this time. Putting old timers Hogan, Piper and Nash in main event slots on a ppv five years after WWE was making fun of WCW for doing the same thing is inexcusable. Booking HHH/Nash in a ppv World Title Match, with no smoke or mirrors to redeem them is appallingly moronic. The Austin/Bischoff skits served no purpose whatsoever. We had a softcore porn display from Torrie and Sable in the middle of the show…whilst the opening six man couldn’t even get more than FOUR F’N MINUTES? Horrible booking and horrible writing make this a pretty horrible pay-per-view to sit through. If you have the WWE Network skip EVERYTHING bar WGTT vs Guerrero/Tajiri and Lesnar vs Big Show
Top 3 Matches
3) Jazz vs Jacqueline vs Victoria vs Trish Stratus (**)
2) Brock Lesnar vs Big Show (***)
1) Team Angle vs Eddie Guerrero/Tajiri (****)